Kakujo Fights The Squids
by iamsolarflare
Summary: It started out as a perfectly normal day for Kakujo and his gang... until the water outside their humble mansion home suddenly contracted a serious case of squids. Lots of them. Good thing Kakujo happens to be a calamari fan...
1. Whimsical Water

**((Not sure how to explain this one, as it just kinda just... occurred to story features the little-known but highly hilarious Youtuber known as Kakujomics Gaming, or Kakujo for short. Hopefully all of you will enjoy it! ))**

* * *

"Hello! Kakujo here-"

"-And C.O.R.E.-"

"And Battleax-"

"Underslept and over COFFEE'D but let's play Minecraft! When we last left off, we were discussing the plan of attack for that big bad Ender Dragon, and today we're PROBABLY gonna fight the Wither! How's that sound, Bits & Bytes?"

"Sounds fun," Battleax remarked. "Just don't slam me into anything too much."

C.O.R.E. rolled his eyes at the talking Cleaver. "Kakujo already fixed that, remember?"

Kakujo nodded solemnly. "It took a lot of souls, man. A lot. It'd better not be wearing off."

"No no, I'm not complaining, it's fine after all!"

"Good. Now let's go grab some foo- oh C.O.R.E., are you looking out the window?"

The talking chest bounced over to the black-haired player with a frown. "Have you seen the water recently?"

"Why, is it different? That Ender Forest water doesn't spread, does it?"

"Nope, that's not it."

Kakujo snapped his fingers and ran over to a chest, rummaging through its contents. "Don't tell me it's Flux... Just let me grab some water and we'll go clean it up."

C.O.R.E. sighed heavily. "There's nothing strange about the water itself, Kakujo. It's the things in it."

The player turned around, eyes sparkling with happiness. "Is it an Ars Magica event? Is something MAGICAL happening?"

"No. There's just an abnormal amount of squids in the water."

"Oh..." Kakujo's face fell.

"Hey, didn't you need food and Scribing tools?" Battleax asked out of the blue, startling the man out of silence.

"OOOH! I get it, Battleax! I'm in the mood for calamari, come to think of it!"

The player grabbed an iron helmet out of a chest. "This one's got Aqua Affinity. Just in case."

"Are you sure you'll need that?"

"You never know what might happen in a magical modpack that's full of so much whimsy and danger, C.O.R.E.."

* * *

**((They' re off to fight, readers. What happens next? Well, who knows?))**

**((Talentless update coming soon. I just need to figure out how to write fight scenes.))**

**((Review, please!))**

**((-Ivy))**


	2. And Not-So-Nice Squids

**((Well, that was quickly written. Without further ado, enjoy!))**

* * *

"What what what WHAT IS THIS. So many squids, Battleax! So much calamari to be eaten! This is wonderful... and very suspicious indeed..."

"What's the harm in trying? After all, you've got C.O.R.E and I by your side."

Kakujo grinned. "Wow, you must really hate squids. Normally you're like, 'Oh no Kakujo, let's not fight unless we need to!' but now you're all, 'Let's kill these defenseless water creatures!' What's up with that?"

"I do NOT sound like that," the enchanted Cleaver grumbled.

"Either way, let's get to hacking. Er, not that kind of hacking. The not-computer-related type." The player hoisted the heavy blade, then charged at the water. "Yaaaa!"

"Kakujo. You might wanna see this." C.O.R.E. swum over, a worried expression on his face, and then turned towards a particular squid. "Do they normally swim towards you like that?"

"No, they do not. He must be a friendly squid! Hey there, buddy!"

"..."

The man frowned. "This is a mod event, isn't it?" He rummaged through his pockets, then pulled out a large piece of blue glass with a hexagonal gold border and pointed it at the swiftly approaching mob.

"Killer squid? KILLER SQUID!? No thank YOU, I'd rather live!" He put away the scanner and pulled out Battleax. "Okay... Battleax, C.O.R.E., here goes nothing."

The squid came closer, only to be knocked back by a sudden sword blow, followed by a second hit that instantly decimated it.

"Awww, it didn't drop anything..."

Kakujo scanned the water with a frown. "More of them incoming. Actually, a lot more. Actually, I'm lagging. Actually I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE."

He kicked the water and launched himself upwards. There was a small electronic crackle as he exited the liquid, and then he was hovering.

"Thank you kindly, magical Thaumo-harness!" The player looked down and groaned. "Oh no, there's a lot of them. No wonder I was lagging. Whoa, it's a feeding frenzy down there!"

C.O.R.E. called upwards with a mild note of panic. "Kakujo, some of them are flying!"

"What the HELL? This is almost as bad as the skeleton cult village!" He turned an accusing eye towards the fenced village a few yards away. "They're not worshipping squids now, are they?"

A squid slammed into Kakujo, knocking him to the side. "Focus, Kakujo, you gotta focus and-"

"MORE INCOMING!" C.O.R.E yelled.

"I'm out of here!" With a scared glance at the water below, the player flew off towards the village, and hopefully towards a more peaceful place.

* * *

**((I got no comments. See ya next update!))**

**((Oh, and please review!))**

**((-Ivy))**


	3. Ed

**((Here's the third chapter! Please enjoy!))**

* * *

"ED." Kakujo, dripping wet and panting, slammed open the door to the makeshift apothecary with a growl. "WHY ARE YOU PERFORMING BLACK ARTS AGAIN?"

The testificate stepped back nervously. "I-I'm not sure what you mean, Kakujo. I haven't done anything like that."

The player glared at the other man. "We both know you were a necromancer, Ed. Now why don't you explain yourself?"

Ed bowed his head. "I gave up on all that, remember? I'm just a lowly apothecary keeper now. Minus the cactus."

C.O.R.E. bumped into the player, a frown on his face. "It seems like he's not sure what you're talking about. Maybe he's innocent."

Kakujo frowned again. "Let me rephrase that, Ed. Do you have anything to do with either the suddenly very aggressive and occasionally flying squids?"

"N-no."

"And do you know why there's a rather large area of pure FLUX in the middle of the lake?"

"Well, that one testificate that went outside the gates must have done it." Ed nodded. "Yes, that's it. Andrew always did go on about Thaumic things, you know."

"Who's Andrew?"

"That's an excellent question, Mr. Traveling Chest."

"It's C.O.R.E.."

"Right. He's my cousin thrice removed. He must have been experimenting with Flux. Clearly it went wrong."

Kakujo sighed. "And do you know anything about the squids?"

"Actually... I'm afraid I do. Assuming they showed enough intelligence to look innocent, surround you, and also attack in groups, I'd say we may be dealing with the Squid Army."

"Pffft!" The man snorted. "How bad can a bunch of calamari be?"

"If they figure out how to work with Flux, Kakujo, very bad indeed."

"Cult village bad? Charged creeper bad? Zombification bad? Digging straight down bad? Nether wasp bad? What's the worst that could happen?"

"The end of the world and all others shortly after."

"That's pretty bad," Battleax remarked. Nobody bothered to point out that it was beyond "pretty bad".

* * *

**((And so, the plot thickens...))**

**((-Ivy))**


	4. Times Past

**((This took abnormally long, and for that I apologize. Please enjoy!))**

* * *

"I need a weapon," Kakujo stated flatly. "Something that can kill 'em. Maybe even more arrows."

Ed nodded. "May I see your Tinker's Construct guide? The one about weapon modifiers?"

"You know I have that!?"

"Yes. I dabbled in it myself, not that you'd know."

The player shook his head gravely. "Ed, I'm beginning to think you are keeping secrets from me. And while that's practically expected from the mayor... YOU are worrying me."

"Mister Kakujo, I've told you that I already gave up necromancy. Surely a bit of harmless weapon modifying can be tolerated, no?"

Battleax piped up, sounding worried. "Hey Kakujo, I'm not going to be replaced, am I?"

He shook his head. "No, no, I'd never replace you. Ed, what are you- hey! My book!" The man grabbed out for his suddenly missing item, only to see the apothecary keeper already holding it.

"I need this. Don't worry, I'll give it back tomorrow." The testificate pointed to the door. "Go, go. It's not getting any lighter out, and you'll need to stay safe."

"Squids," C.O.R.E. noted bluntly.

"Ah, oh dear, that. Well, Kakujo would be putting the whole village at risk if he were to stay here, true? So I believe it's for the best that you three risk the trip home. Run along now, there's work to be done." With a determined expression on his face, Ed pushed the player and his chest out of the hut, then slammed the door behind them.

"I don't like this, Kakujo."

"Neither do I," Battleax added. "It sounds like I'm getting replaced!"

Kakujo shook his head, sighing. "Ed wouldn't do that, I don't think. He's done some questionable things before, but he's also been helpful to me many times."

C.O.R.E.'s frown deepened. "Such as?"

"Well, remember when Lily jumped into you and Ed modified a portal so we could get her back?"

"You're referring to the time we nearly died because you used the portable hole without forethought."

"MM. Yes, I suppose so. Either way, we'll have to trust him. Otherwise, we've got nothing to fight the evil seafood."

"True."

There was a faint splashing sound from over by the lake, and the player frowned. "Hey, C.O.R.E.?"

"Yeah?"

"How about we spend the night in the greenhouse helping the golems?"

The noise grew louder as the chest responded. "YES."

* * *

**((Well, that's all for now. Please review, guys - I want to know if you're enjoying this.))**

**((-Ivy))**


End file.
